In the past two weeks I have had the privilege of spending a lot of time to myself, and doing a lot of thinking. I have always wanted the opportunity to throw myself into my work, but with past jobs was never able to do that, and to be honest with you I don't know why I was never given that opportunity. I know what I am capable of but I don't think those people did. Anyway, I created my own universe in that I took matters into my own hands and got a job that has really made me happy. They are giving me tons of responsibility, and give me the opportunity to prove myself which really has been a breathe of fresh air.
I have been doing a lot of thinking and I just feel that a lot of people I associate myself with, just aren't on the same page as me, and that's not necessarily a bad thing, just more of a realization. It makes me sad because I am on a new chapter a new page and I am just not the same person I was a year ago, meaning I am not into going out and going crazy and meeting creepy guys in the bar, and making bad decisions. Don't get my wrong, I throughly enjoy going out and having a good time, just not on that escalated level.
I have a lot of bad habits, don't get my wrong, I crack my knuckles a lot, I swear a lot, i'm impatient, but I feel like one of my worse habits, is that I over analyze things, I over think them and allow them to consume me and alter how I feel and react which irritates me because when I am pissed everyone knows it, when I am annoyed everyone knows it. essentially I wear my emotions on my sleeve, which I don't want to do anymore. I am pretty wound up im not going to lie and i think it's in part of having been around people for such long periods of time who enjoy drama who just can't be, where there is always something and well, I am pretty over that. So I am moving on, trying, making a conscious effort i'll say. I recently found out that even well over a year after ending a certain relationship with someone because of the company he kept ( a good friend of his that happened to be a girl) that she is still talking crap about me, and I just think that is so sad that this girl is still allowing incidents and occurances that happened long ago still affect her, I can't help but just feel bad for her really. I hope she finds peace and happiness someday.
So really my point is I am turning a new leaf. A leaf that does what she wants when she wants, throws herself into her work, is happy and content.
Well I am officially done with my spring classes - well Thursday was my official last day, and it was beautiful. However, last week I was so on edge from stress, being on the go all the time, and lack of proper sleep. Everything annoyed me and well still kind of does. But things are getting better, and even though I know buying stuff doesn't make you feel any better, it really has. I bought myself a new purse, and my new purse is amazing. It's a bigger bag then my last one, its white and I feel like it just morphs to my side instead of falling off my shoulder constantly.... never a problem with this one!! I also treated myself to a manicure and pedicure Saturday morning. The last time I got a mani/pedi was Dec 31st 2007 lol. I got it for new years. So its suffice to say I was overdue. It was so relaxing and a great time spent with my mom too. I am also planning on getting a new phone this Tuesday that is if my credit is still good, the past couple months I have been playing catch up so hopefully I didn't do too much damage. But my old phone is not working the screen goes white and decides not to work at the most inopportune times which is really annoying. If all goes well with my credit I already have a phone picked out. I am going to get the Pink Centro from Sprint (so cute)
So what am I going to do in my spare time on Tuesdays and Thursdays? The question really is, what am I NOT going to do. I already have a laundry list of things I want to do with my next 2 months. I want to spend more time in Ann Arbor discovering new places, going to the museum, going to the driving range, seeing movies, reading more, going to the gym, riding my bike, etc etc. I am really excited on just hanging out and doing whatever on those days I can't begin to tell you how good its going to feel, because I feel like I am always on the go and having to be somewhere all the time, so being able to sleep in is going to be amazing, I really cant wait!!
This weekend was nice. Friday my dad and I went and saw The Incredible Hulk which was surprisingly good. A lot better then the first one made, the story line in this one was sooo much better. Saturday I got my mani/pedi, ran a bunch of errands and went to Kim's Bridal shower with Kristy, we stayed for a couple hours and it was great hanging with the girls again. After that I came home and hung out. Mike came over around 10pm and we went to Grape Expectations in downtown for a glass of wine and an appetizer we left around 1130 it was such a beautiful night. Today hung around the house watched a very disturbing documentary with my mom that i rented on netflix called Jesus Camp basically its about Evangelical kids and this army of God cult....whatever - freaked me out!! afterwards I headed over to Mike's where we were celebrating Jenn getting her masters. We went to Benehannas and had an amazing vegetarian dish... sooo good. Afterwards went back to the house for a little then headed home where my mom and the documentary on the little girl with eight limbs and the surgery they performed on her... so amazing.
I hope everyone else had a nice weekend. Talk to you soon.
I have so much to do this coming week - in terms of wrapping my school events aka a presentation due on Tuesday, I also have to write one 2 page paper and one 3 page paper by then too. I have had plenty of time to do all of this work this weekend but have I taken advantage of it?? I think we all know the answer...Absolutely not. This weekend I have managed to
- See a very depressing movie which seriously altered my emotions
- Go for a 2 mile walk (hey I did do something productive)
- Balance my checkbook
- Do some laundry
- Go out for some wine - get a little tipsy
- Buy a new book
- Go out - with no money it's so surprising that I am still able to go out, drink, etc with no money - where does it come from??
- Go to a father day brunch at fox hills
- Lay down and fall asleep
- Read some of my new book.
I dont know what I am going to do with myself after Thursday because I will have tuesdays and thursdays ALL to myself - oh the adventures I will go on =) I think i'll go to DIA, sip fraps and watch people and a variety of things I wanted to do this summer.
Also I am really excited to say that I am going to Chicago Oct 10th - 13th for my bday weekend. I am really excited about it and aleady saving my pennies. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am trying to put out more positive thoughts because to be honest with you, today has been a CRUMMY day. This morning I snuck out of the house with my mom's favorite sandals because, well, they are so amazingly comfortable. While at work we go to Romulus for a service center meeting, on my way back into the carpool, the wedge part of the sandal detaches itself almost completely. Immediately I am freaking out. These are nine west sandals that cost a pretty penny - how did this happen, I thought to myself. So on the ride back to the office, I am staring at the now talking shoe - it looks as though my shoe were talking. I attempt to squirm out of the back of the Yukon to only realize I have somehow detached the rest of it =(
So I am walking back to my desk, head down - full of shame. I ask Linda who sits by me if she has any superglue, she does not. Someone else in the office does and I start lobbing on a copious amount of superglue in doing so I manage to not only have it start dripping down the sides of the sandal, onto my oak desk and the best part onto my black slacks. By now I am sure you can imagine I am swearing under my breath, and wincing as I am prying off my pant from my leg. I run to the bathroom and furiously try to wet-en up the embarassing lob of superglue only to have managed to get parts of the paper towel stuck to it as well. My fingertips are crunchy and dry from the amount of superglue I have on them from trying to scoop up the glue.... (honestly what should I have done?!) So here I am, at my desk, crunchy fingertips and lob of superglue on pants and all. I am a hot mess and all I want to do is take a nice loooong nap. The only thing that could make me feel better is if the Red Wings win tonight.
I just hope the rest of the day goes by a little better. But you never know I am here until 6. A lot could happen in a matter of 5 hours!!
Once again, another month is winding down and once again I have accomplished little to nothing that I wanted to get accomplished this month... and once again I have no one else to blame but moi. I can get upset, true - I can complain up a storm, true - I can make a ton of excuses as to why I didnt get to the thing I wanted to get to - but let's be real people, that is not going to reverse time and make me get my crap done.
So you may be asking yourself, what was it that you wanted/needed to get done in the month of May? Well i'll tell you what I wanted to get done.
1.) I wanted to set aside some money - you know really start saving - how much do I have in my savings? $5.13
2.) I wanted to start going back to the gym on a regular basis - how many times did I go to the gym this month? 0
3.) I wanted to finish a book a month - what page am I on for this months book? 64ish
4.) I wanted to get all my finances in order figure out how much I spend vs. how much I make - have I done this? NO
So as you can see, I have gotten very little done this month - but I have a new month ahead of me. I plan to not only FINISH my What is the What book but also start and finish my other one I have on my desk, I plan on to keep socking away money in my savings account, I plan on my rigourous workout routine - I have a lot of BIG events coming up that I need to look good at and I plan on figuring out my finances ONCE and for all.
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Tomorrow is going to be an amazing day... Why? I am going out to a fabulous dinner with cocktails then I am going to go see the 8:30 showing of Sex and the City!! So much fun - going out with the girls =) I have a shirt that I am going to wear thats yellow and it says "Im a Carrie" with a lip print on it. YAY!
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I also signed up for Netflix so my first movie should be coming in today I rented The Darjeerling Limited with Owen Wilson - I heard it was AMAZING! Cant wait.
I was having a conversation with my mom today about life, and how sometimes life doesn't necessarily go our way and we get bogged down by the day to day monotony of work/school/family etc but I was telling her how much I love life - and I really do mean that. This week especially was difficult, I dealt with some realizations about myself and my friends, I let something bothering me about Mike stew for a couple days which lead me to be a stubborn brat after seeing him for the first time in 5 days, finding out my brother is leaving everyone (family) to move to NC with his girlfriend, not being smart with my money (as usual) and being stressed overall. Despite these things and others, I just love life, I love being alive and experiencing things, enjoying the simply pleasures.... like strawberries, they are amazing their smell, their taste, their texture. I love lazy saturday afternoons, I love reading... everything about life I love even the bad, the bad makes me feel even more alive. With that I want to be around as long as possible. I want to be around to laugh and feel and love and cry I want the bad with the good. So I am going to be making some changes in my life.
1. I am going to stop socially smoking - no more smoking when I go out to the bars or when I go out for an event.
2. No more spending copious amounts of money when I go out to the bar or an event - its very easy to run up your tab esp. when you have been drinking you loose count and later it doesnt matter.
3. No more spending money on stupid crap like breakfast/lunch/shirts etc. For the next couple months esp. really start saving my money, I am just a much more happier person when I have money to work with.
4. Going to start working out again, 3 times a week, I do feel better I am able to think things out, write books in my head, yes it can get boring and lame at times but the later effects are brilliant.
5. Really make an effort to STAY organized. I have this really weird habit of letting everything fall to shit and then make it a big project of putting in back together - I dont know why I just do.
6. Read and write more often, both are excellent sources of therapy for me and when I stop I start feeling a little loopy.
I have also realized that ever since I have stopped eating meat I am genuienly a much happier person, meaning sure I get sad sometimes and stuff but I am not the big dweller I use to be. I don't feel "heavy" or "bogged down" i feel more free my concious is thats for sure. Becoming a vegeterian was one of the best things I could have done. Sure it's not always easy but I feel a lot better mentally and emotionally.
Have you ever heard some music that just really moved you?? I dont mean moved in a way that you enjoy the beat or the lyrics, but a soul shaking, feel like your moving but aren't, lift you to a place of bliss?? I've been there tons of times, listening to music has always been such a great past time of mine, and I am blessed that I have found so many pieces of music that I truly love and enjoy. More recently is the song by MGMT "Weekend Wars"
I can't really tell you why this song moves me in the way it does, but I guess thats why when we find music that moves us it's so special...because we cant describe it. Listen to it for yourself and be the judge.
Have you ever sat down and reflected your life till this very moment and realize that according to your standards, you aren't really where you want or ought to be. Don't get me wrong, I feel that so far the 22 1/2 year I have been on this Earth I have accomplished a lot. I am in a place in my life a lot of my close friends aren't, therefore feel I am a little ahead of the game. What most people don't realize about me, is that I have exteremly high standards for myself. I feel that I should be on my game at all times, so when I react a certain way, allow emotions and outside circumstances interfere with my life in a negative way I get angry with myself, I get angry that I wasn't strong enough in that moment.
I feel that although externally I may have "things" together... for the most part I don't. I feel that I don't have my things together when it comes to taking care of myself. I don't exercise, I don't eat enough fruits, I stress out a lot... all things into consideration I don't have taking care of my body together. I feel when it comes to money I don't have things together because I spend my money on a lot of insignificant stuff, the majority of it being food. I am usually gone 8-5 M, W, and F and done T & TR from 10-6 and thats for things I need to be at such as work or school, that doesnt include time being away for friends, events, etc. So when I am out it is usually more convinent for me to go buy something. Granted it is much easier to pack my lunch especially for work, but I find that I just dont get around to it, therefore, going out and purchasing my meal. I have gotten a lot better about not purchasing things I dont need such as excessive amounts of clothes, DVDs, shoes, etc. But do still indulge in my gossip magazines - what can I say it's my guilty pleasure.
Let's continue on to things that I love and don't love about myself:
1.) I don't love that when I am angry/annoyed/frustrated/stressed/etc I wear my emotions. You can completely and totally tell on my face. I cant hide when I am feeling bad emotions. I want to be able to not allow things to have such an inpact on how I feel.
2.) I love that I am a very understanding person. I understand when life happens and plans don't go through. I understand when you don't call when you say you did - it wont stop me though from expressing my extreme disgust when people do that. I understand basically that the world doesnt revolve around me, therefore, I get it when things dont go the way I expected or when people don't live up to my expectations.
3.) I don't love that I am my own worst enemy. If anyone talked to me that way I talk to myself sometimes, I would kick their ass.
4.) I love that I am a loyal person. When we are friends, we are FRIENDS. I am always there for those I care about - and when I mean I am always there... I am always there. And when it comes to guys when I am with a guy I am with a guy, I am not one of those girls who are with someone until someone else better comes along. When I find someone I want to share a relationship with, its a big deal - at least to me it is.
There are so many things I want to do in life that it sometimes pains me that I haven't done them yet. Ever since I was a little girl, I have always been in a big hurry to grow up and experience everything right away. So I get bummed out that I am not done with college yet (one year to go) instead of enjoying the ride and experiencing everything I am in a huge rush to get it done. I am bummed that I havent traveled, or gotten married yet, or started a family - I know how crazy it sounds being that I am only 22 years old, but I want it to happen - I know its something I need to work on for sure, slowing down and enjoying each day as it comes, because I am grateful that I am here to live it.
Let me just tell you how terribly miserable I have been the past 2 weeks - financially. Every other aspect of my life is managable. But financially I feel like I am completely and utterly FAILING. Granted, I have to take somethings into consideration:
1.) I switched jobs and only worked 16 hours my last week there.
2.) I thought my current employer was one week behind their pay periods - as most are - they are 2 weeks behind.
Hence, having $3.00 in my checking account. Now I know I only have myself to blame, I should have planned a little better, and managed my money better, all these things I know. But the past is the past and I cant go back in time and figure things out a little better. All I can do is just be patient and say NO to copious amounts of invites because I cant afford to go out. It's depressing. This week though I will be back on track and moving along and be able to save and be happy again. I am getting my first check today which will cash into my count by im hoping wed. or thurs. AND I am getting my 401k check that I cashed out on Thursday which will be in my account by Saturday if not Monday. YAY!!! I will be able to pay off some crap that needs to be paid off ASAP. But I cant help but feel bad because I am not the kind of person to borrow money. ANd I have been borrowing money from my mom like you wouldnt know. It makes me sad because thats just not me. So other than my financial woes, everything is good. Not great but good. I start my new classes tomorrow for the spring - should be interesting. I am starting my workout regime tomorrow too... not excited but I will get there - eventually.
Hope all is well on your end.
This is the new book I am reading for the month - it's called What is the What by Dave Eggers. I certainly have gotten a late start on it this month, I am on chapter 5 though - started it yesterday ;) But its about the life of man named Valentino Achak Deng who, along with thousands of other children was forced to leave his village in Sudan at the afge of seven and trek hundreds of miles by foot to find freedom. When he finally is resettled in the US, he finds a life full of promise, but also heartache and myriad new challenges. So far my friends, its an amzing read - HIGHLY RECOMEND IT
